Why that person gets under your skin (and what it really means)
Most workplace friction isn’t a “systems” problem. It’s a Team Dynamics problem. Different communication speeds, priorities, and tolerances collide—and if you don’t name and navigate those differences, they calcify into labels: rude, lazy, abrasive, oversensitive.
Two concepts every first-time manager needs:
- DISC: We’re not the same—we’re predictably different. High-D leaders (fast, direct) can feel “too blunt” to colleagues who prefer context and rapport. High-S teammates (steady, supportive) can feel “resistant” when they’re actually safeguarding stability. Knowing your own default style is step one in How to Be a Better Manager.
- Working Genius (Lencioni): Your geniuses and frustrations shape how you show up. An Invention/Discernment/Enablement/Tenacity imbalance often looks like “they’re impossible,” when it’s really a work-fit issue, not a character flaw.
Leadership reframe: People aren’t difficult. They’re different. Your job is to understand the difference and lead through it.
The 4 unhelpful defaults (and what to do instead)
From Ryan Leak’s work on complicated people, we tend to:
- Avoid them
- Try to change them
- Cancel them
- Or—better—understand them
Understanding isn’t approval. It’s strategy. When you replace judgment with curiosity, you lower defensiveness and raise commitment. That’s how you Handle Conflict at Work as a Manager.
Five moves that turn tension into teamwork
1) Start with self-awareness
Before you diagnose them, audit you. Ask:
- Where might my style be creating friction?
- What behavior do others experience first from me—pace, push, or precision?
- What am I optimizing for (speed, certainty, harmony), and what does that cost the team?
This is Imposter Syndrome in Leadership in disguise: when we feel threatened, we push control, over-explain, or go silent. Name it, then lead it.
2) Use the “I can’t help myself…” exercise
In your next team meeting, try this fast trust builder:
- “I can’t help myself, but I often ______ because ______.”
It normalizes quirks, provides intent, and reduces negative attributions. Translate quirks into agreements: “When I jump in fast, please ask for a pause if you need more context.”
This is practical Coaching for Managers and a small way to Build Trust as a Manager.
3) Assume positive intent—then verify
Swap stories, not accusations:
- “I heard X and took it as Y. Was that your intent or did I miss it?”
You’re modeling How to Lead Effective Team Meetings and adult-to-adult dialogue. It’s direct without being defensive.
4) Make the relational problem visible
Many “process” issues are actually Team Dynamics issues. Say it:
- “Our missed deadlines aren’t a tools problem; they’re a coordination and expectations problem between A and B. Let’s map it.”
Name the tension. Then co-create a working agreement: response times, decision rights, escalation rules. That’s How to Delegate and How to Hold Employees Accountable without micromanaging.
5) Practice joyful accountability
From Lencioni’s story about Alan Mulally: kindness and standards are not opposites. Set the bar, support the bar, then hold the bar.
- “You’re welcome here. Here means respectful, on time, aligned. If you choose here, great. If not, that’s a different choice.”
This is how you Fix a Toxic Culture—clear behavior standards, consistent follow-through.
Scripts you can use this week
- Curiosity opener:
“I want us to work well together. What do you need more of or less of from me so you can do your best work?” - Impact/intent check:
“When you cut in during updates, I read it as dismissive. Is your intent to speed us up or am I missing something?” - Working agreement close:
“Let’s try: I’ll give context before decisions; you’ll flag when you need a pause. We’ll review in two weeks.” - Joyful accountability:
“We agreed on no side comments. If it happens again, we’ll pause the meeting. Fair?”
These scripts keep you out of personality battles and inside observable behavior—crucial for How to Handle Conflict at Work as a Manager.
When it’s not a fit
Kind doesn’t mean permissive. After coaching, clarity, and chances to change, some behavior is still disqualifying—contempt, bullying, chronic sabotage. Protect the team. Document, decide, and move. That’s real Leadership Podcast for New Managers work.
If you need a push, watch my short DisruptHR talk, You’re the Problem… and It’s Affecting Your Team (linked in the episode show notes). It’s a fast gut-check on ownership and standards.
Your 20-minute action plan
- List one person you’re clashing with.
- Write one “I can’t help myself…” sentence for yourself.
- Book a 15-minute 1:1. Use the curiosity opener above.
- Draft three working-agreement bullets.
- Schedule a two-week review. Adjust. Repeat.
Small moves, consistently—this is New Manager Tips that compound.
Key takeaways
Joyful accountability = kindness plus standards. It’s the backbone of How to Fix a Toxic Culture.
People aren’t difficult; they’re different. Learn styles (DISC, Working Genius) to reduce friction and increase trust.
Replace judgment with curiosity and clear working agreements. That’s how you Hold Employees Accountable and keep momentum.
