How to Make Hard Conversations at Work Easier
This is how to make hard conversations at work easier. Notice that I did not say how to make them easy, because they likely never will be.
We all dislike having hard conversations for specific reasons. If you’re like me and you’re a little bit more on the assertive side, you’ve probably been told that you are too much sometimes. Maybe you don’t want people to not like you. Maybe you don’t like to be wrong. Or maybe you just really, really don’t like conflict.
They are all valid reasons, and yet the necessity of hard conversations comes up all the time.
So let’s get into the framework I use. It’s called the WALL Blueprint, and it’s a little cheeky. It’s all about how we can break down the wall we’ve put up between ourselves and other people, so we can have the hard conversations that need to be had.
W: What Story Am I Telling Myself?
Something happens to us, and we automatically and biologically fill in the blanks of whatever we don’t already know.
If you know anything about emotional intelligence, you’ll know that a response hits the emotional part of our brain first. Within a split second it hits our critical brain, but by that time we’ve already experienced an emotion.
So remember this: they are not the villain in their own story. If they were to recap the exact same experience you just had, their version would sound different.
Before you say anything, ask yourself:
- What do I know for certain?
- What am I assuming?
If you have an employee who has been late three days in a row, what you know for certain is that they have been late three days in a row, and that they are a good person who typically has pretty good intentions. Everything else is a story you’re making up in your head.
A: Address It Directly
With any given situation, you have three choices. You can not say anything and let it continue to bother you. You can not say anything, assume positive intent, and let it go, but then nothing is going to change. Or you can address it directly.
That’s the approach I genuinely like to take. Here are my do’s and don’ts.
Don’t give a compliment sandwich. When we give a compliment sandwich, we don’t give time or space for them to respond. We finish it off with a compliment, and the conversation ends there because we had the last word.
Do make sure they know you care. Then give the feedback and stop talking. It can sound like: “Sally, you are a valued team member here, and I appreciate the work that you bring to us, which is why I want to better understand why you’ve been late this past week.”
Don’t hide behind policy language. I hear this all the time from employees: “You quote the handbook so often it sounds like an excuse.” If what we want is a people-first company, then the handbook would likely need to change.
Do use clear and human language. “I apologize. I did not realize that you felt this way. I would love for you to tell me what you need from me going forward. I can’t promise I can give it to you, but I’m willing to listen.”
L: Listen Through the Discomfort
Stop talking and allow them the space to respond.
As the leader, it’s not our responsibility to always do the things our employees want us to do. But it is our responsibility to listen and to get clarity around why they’re feeling the way that they are.
Don’t speak in absolutes. If we say “you are always late” or “you never do this correctly,” we are saying I’ve already made this distinction about you and I’m unwilling to see it any other way.
Do reflect your observations and the impact. “Hey Tim, I have noticed that over the last two weeks your time card has been coming in later than expected. The impact of that is that Julie, who pays the checks, is not getting it on time. Can you help me to understand if there’s something in the way?”
The Question to Ask Before Any Hard Conversation at Work
Are you willing to be wrong?
Everyone is going to say yes. But the moment someone starts to defend themselves, we’ve usually already made up in our head why something is happening. It can be hard for us to accept that there is a different version of reality that we haven’t experienced yet.
Here’s literally how I have these conversations: “Here’s what I’m experiencing. Here’s the impact it’s having. I’m willing to be wrong. Please tell me your thoughts on what I just said.”
L: Land With Clarity
I’ve literally had people say, “I think my boss has amnesia,” because something gets discussed, and six months later it gets brought up as a brand new problem.
Before you walk away, answer these questions together:
- What did we decide?
- What is changing?
- What is your role?
- What is my role?
How to Build a Culture of Feedback on Your Team
The anxiety is built in the time between understanding that we have to have this talk and when we actually do it. Sometimes that’s hours. Sometimes it’s weeks or months. The more we can keep that fourth wall down, the less anxiety is going to come with having these hard conversations.
Here’s how to make it feel safe to speak up:
Say thank you. What’s rewarded is repeatable. When people know you appreciate their candor, they’re going to continue to be candid.
Be consistent. What’s tolerated becomes the standard. If you let Sally get away with something that you don’t let Tim get away with, that inconsistency makes our teams scared.
Ask for feedback, and do it often. It will no longer feel as scary, and people will be much more trusting that you actually want them to be honest.
From Good People to Great Teams
Keeping that wall down is what allows the good intentions of the good people on our teams to actually lead to teams that trust each other.
When I do this workshop with teams, I’ll ask afterward, “Did you have the conversation you needed to?” Almost every time, they say yes. Once you get a structure to it, it feels a lot less scary.
So what hard conversation have you been avoiding, and why?
In the episode, I share what Sally said back and the difference between getting defensive and defending yourself, which is just as important if you’re the one being held accountable. Listen to the full episode above, and grab the WALL Blueprint with all the do’s and don’ts here:
Desiree Petrich is a keynote speaker, bestselling author of Taking Intentional Action, and host of You’re the Boss, Now What?, a top 2% podcast globally. Through her keynote, Good People to Great Teams, she helps organizations turn the good people they’ve hired into great teams that trust each other. Learn more about bringing Desiree to your next conference or event at desireepetrich.com.
