If your team feels “nice” on the surface—but tense underneath—this is for you.
In this episode of You’re the Boss, Now What?, Desiree and Tessa continue their breakdown of The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, jumping into Commitments #4–#7:
- Speaking candidly
- Eliminating gossip
- Practicing integrity
- Generating appreciation
These commitments build on one another. When candor is missing, people withhold. When people withhold, they vent. When venting becomes a pattern, trust erodes, integrity slips, and appreciation gets replaced by entitlement or the need for validation.
Let’s walk through what these commitments mean—and what it looks like to live them above the line as a leader.
Commitment #4: Speaking Candidly (Candor + Care)
Tessa shares that speaking candidly doesn’t come naturally for her behavioral style. Her default is to withhold—overthinking how her honesty will affect the relationship, softening her message, or “beating around the bush.” Why? Because candor can feel like conflict, and conflict can feel like relationship damage.
But speaking candidly, as defined in the conversation, is:
Revealing thoughts, feelings, and sensations in an open, honest, and aware way.
There’s an important caveat: candor only works when a team has an overall commitment to candor. If a team has never talked about honesty, conflict, or how they want feedback to sound, one person suddenly “being candid” can land as aggressive and trigger defensiveness.
The key: Candor and care must go together
Tessa repeats a phrase that becomes the anchor for this commitment:
Candor and care. Candor and care.
You can’t have candor without care, and you can’t have care without candor.
Desiree links this directly to trust and healthy conflict. Productive conflict is candor aimed at the issue, not the person. It’s speaking about “the thing” while staying grounded in respect.
What leaders need to understand
If you want a candid team, you have to build the foundation first:
- trust has to be initiated and invested in
- teams need clarity on what healthy conflict looks like
- leaders need to create space for all voices—not just the loudest ones
Without trust, candor doesn’t happen. You’ll get “yes” in the meeting—and honesty everywhere else.
Commitment #5: Eliminating Gossip (Including “Venting”)
This commitment hits hard because many workplaces normalize gossip under softer language—especially “venting.”
Desiree is candid about her own growth here: she used to listen to venting because it felt like employees “just needed to get it out.” But when the same person vents about the same situation repeatedly, nothing improves. It becomes a cycle that drains energy and keeps teams stuck.
Tessa makes the connection clear:
If people aren’t candid in the room, they’ll leave and find someone they trust and share their “real” feelings there. That’s how withholding turns into gossip.
A practical leadership move to shut gossip down
Tessa shares a story about a leader who handled gossip the same way every time: when someone came to complain about another person, he would literally get up, take their hand, and walk them to the person they were talking about—so the conversation happened directly.
The result? People stopped bringing gossip to him because the standard was clear:
We don’t tolerate back-channel complaining. We do candid conversations.
Why some people claim gossip is “good”
Desiree mentions she’s seen articles that defend gossip for two reasons:
- it gets unspoken information out
- it releases pent-up negativity
But the book reframes this: if gossip is your only outlet, that points to bigger issues:
- people aren’t telling the truth to each other (lack of candor + trust)
- people don’t know how to release negative energy in a healthy way
- meetings don’t allow time/space for people to process thoughts and feelings
Tessa adds nuance: processing a situation verbally isn’t automatically gossip—until it turns into talking about a person or becomes a substitute for saying what needs to be said in the room.
Bottom line: if gossip is present in your workplaceFO, don’t shrug it off as normal culture. Treat it as a trust and candor problem.
Commitment #6: Practicing Integrity (Overpromising and Underdelivering)
Integrity, in this context, isn’t framed as a moral or ethical code. It’s described as:
- keeping commitments
- taking responsibility
- revealing authentic feelings
- expressing unarguable truth
- facilitating wholeness and congruence
In other words: integrity is what happens when your commitments and your reality match.
Integrity often breaks through overcommitting
Tessa ties integrity to a common leadership habit: people-pleasing.
Overcommitting can feel generous in the moment (“Yes, I can do that!”), but then anxiety builds, balls drop, and trust erodes—not because you intended harm, but because you weren’t honest about capacity.
Desiree highlights the line that hit her the hardest:
“I overpromise and underdeliver.”
Practicing integrity looks like catching it sooner and addressing it directly:
- acknowledging when your energy isn’t there
- saying the hard thing early (“I committed to this, but I can’t do it in this season”)
- renegotiating instead of ghosting or dropping the ball quietly
Integrity also means realistic expectations
Tessa shares how integrity showed up in her own work over time. Earlier in her career, she would overhype what one training could accomplish. Now she tells teams the truth:
She can spend a day with them—and they may be the same tomorrow. The work starts after the session. Change is a long-haul process.
Desiree adds that integrity isn’t just about what you promise others—it’s also about what you promise yourself. If you constantly believe “this book / coach / workshop will fix everything,” you’ll keep getting let down. Integrity includes staying grounded in what change realistically takes.
Commitment #7: Generating Appreciation (Not Validation)
Appreciation is one of the most talked-about needs in organizations—and one of the most under-practiced skills.
Tessa explains what “below the line” looks like here:
When your ego wants to be validated, you get upset you weren’t recognized. That’s not appreciation—it’s the need to be seen for what you did.
This commitment requires leaders to understand the difference between:
- validation (ego-driven recognition)
- appreciation (seeing someone and valuing their contribution)
Desiree shares a story from the first time she played the Leadership Game: someone said they needed a raise or bonus to feel engaged. The leader responded that raises worked for about a week, and then the disengagement came back.
That’s the entitlement trap—assuming appreciation only comes in money or gifts.
Appreciation should be specific and human
Desiree references how different people receive appreciation differently and why leaders need to pay attention.
Tessa adds an important nuance for bigger organizations: appreciation shouldn’t become a mechanical “task.” If you lead hundreds of people, you won’t know everyone deeply—and you’re not expected to. But appreciation can still be genuine and effective because:
- it’s an extension of gratitude
- it’s “catching people doing good”
- a thank you goes a long way
- a handwritten note goes a long way
- people want to be seen
Tessa also challenges leaders directly: if you don’t have time to know your people, you need help—because knowing and investing in your direct reports is part of the job.
The 5:1 ratio
Desiree shares research that strong relationships require a ratio of:
five appreciations to every one criticism
Tessa agrees—and says most teams have it backwards.
If the only time you talk to employees is in an annual review full of improvement feedback, you’re missing massive opportunities. She suggests flipping the structure:
- start with appreciation
- then get curious: “Where do you think you need to improve?”
And the best part? Appreciation is free.
The Throughline: If You Want a Healthy Team, Raise the Standard
These commitments aren’t random. They stack:
- Candor requires trust and care
- Without candor, people withhold
- Withholding turns into gossip
- Gossip undermines trust and makes integrity harder
- Integrity requires realistic commitments and honest conversations
- Appreciation stabilizes relationships and keeps people engaged
If you’re trying to fix team drama, disengagement, or recurring conflict, these commitments give you a clear path: raise the standard for communication, and create an environment where people can be honest without fear.
Leadership is a privilege—but it’s also a big responsibility.
You’re the boss now. So what are you going to do with it?
