If you’ve ever thought of yourself as “a good leader” because you’re trying hard, doing the work, and showing up for your team and your family… you’re not alone.
But effort alone doesn’t tell the whole story.
In The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, the authors introduce a simple but powerful idea: at any moment, you are either living above the line or below the line. You’re not “kind of in between.” You’re in one or the other.
And here’s the part that shook both Desiree and leadership consultant Tessa when they revisited the book:
Living below the line is actually the common state for most people.
Not because we’re bad leaders or bad humans, but because most of us haven’t been taught emotional intelligence or self-awareness. Unless we intentionally invest in our development, we don’t always recognize when we’ve dropped below the line.
This episode of You’re the Boss, Now What? kicks off a three-part series where Desiree and Tessa walk through the first three commitments of conscious leadership:
- Taking 100% responsibility
- Learning through curiosity
- Feeling all the feelings
Let’s break down what those mean in real life and what it looks like to lead above the line at work and at home.
Above the Line vs Below the Line: Where Are You Right Now?
Before they dive into the commitments, Tessa starts her workshops with a simple exercise: she draws a line on the page and asks, “Where are you right now?”
- Above the line: open, curious, willing to see the other side, willing to grow
- Below the line: closed, defensive, committed to being right, in blame, in victim or hero mode
Most people say they’re above the line—especially leaders who care deeply and are trying hard.
But when Tessa has them revisit a challenging conversation and circle the emotions, thoughts, and behaviors they actually experienced (using a handout of above-the-line and below-the-line cues), something shifts.
Almost everyone realizes they were more below the line than they thought.
And that’s the point:
- Being below the line doesn’t make you a bad leader.
- Being below the line doesn’t make you a bad parent or partner.
- Being below the line makes you human.
The real question of conscious leadership is:
Are you aware when you’re below the line—and are you willing to shift?
That’s where the first three commitments begin.
Commitment #1: Taking 100% Responsibility (Without Becoming the Hero)
When people are below the line and you ask, “Why do you think you’re there?” the answers often sound like:
- “My husband didn’t do this…”
- “My coworkers always do that…”
- “My team just won’t follow through…”
In other words:
“It’s not my fault. It’s my circumstances. It’s the people around me.”
The first commitment of conscious leadership cuts straight through that:
Take radical, 100% responsibility.
If “it’s not my fault” is your automatic explanation, you’re already below the line.
100% Responsibility ≠ Taking the Whole Pie
One of the most powerful visuals from this chapter is the pie analogy.
If you and a colleague are on the same team:
- The pie doesn’t get split 50/50.
- Each of you takes 100% responsibility for your part.
That means:
- You don’t blame.
- You don’t play the victim.
- You don’t play the hero who takes everything on.
And that last one—playing the hero—is especially tempting for leaders.
The Hero Trap for Leaders
In the drama triangle (hero, victim, villain), many leaders default to the hero:
- “Let me fix that for you.”
- “I’ll just do it myself.”
- “I’ll take it all on so you don’t have to.”
It sounds generous. It even feels noble. But it’s still a below-the-line pattern.
Why? Because:
- You’re taking more responsibility than is yours.
- You’re disempowering your team.
- You’re positioning yourself as the fixer instead of the coach or challenger.
Above the line, 100% responsibility sounds more like:
- “I see how I contributed to that delay.”
- “I can see how I played a part in this not working—let’s see where the ball was dropped.”
- “I’ll own my part, and I want you to own yours so we can move through this together.”
Even your team doesn’t actually want you to take all the responsibility forever. Consciously or not, they want to feel like:
- They matter
- They’re part of the solution
- Their effort is needed
Taking 100% responsibility for your part shows them how to do the same.
Commitment #2: Learning Through Curiosity (Instead of Defensiveness)
The second commitment of conscious leadership is about choosing curiosity over ego.
Tessa gives a scenario:
A teammate challenges how you handled a task, meeting, or conversation. What’s your first reaction?
For most of us?
- Our back goes up.
- We get defensive.
- We feel the urge to prove we’re right.
That’s the ego at work.
Defending Yourself vs Being Defensive
Desiree makes an important distinction:
- Defensive = ego, walls up, fighting to be right
- Defending yourself = honest explanation, paired with openness and curiosity
You can:
- Explain what you did and why you did it
- And still stay open to another perspective
That sounds like:
“Here’s why I approached it this way—but I’d love to hear your thoughts on how we could improve it.”
Tessa shares a powerful mindset that helps her live this commitment:
“I’m going to speak as though I’m right, but listen as though I’m wrong.”
That’s curiosity in practice.
Using “I’m Curious…” Language
We’re not used to curiosity. In fact, many of us had it shut down as kids:
- “Stop asking so many questions.”
- “No more questions.”
So as adults, we often interpret questions as criticism.
That’s why framing matters. Tessa often starts with:
- “I’m curious to understand…”
- “I’m just curious how we got to that decision.”
- “I’m curious what you’re seeing that I might be missing.”
It signals:
“I’m not attacking you—I genuinely want to learn.”
Leaders Must Create Space for Curiosity
Conscious leadership isn’t just about you asking better questions. It’s also about creating conditions where your team can be curious.
That means:
- Noticing when conversations are turning defensive
- Pausing and inviting multiple perspectives
- Making space for quieter voices who won’t naturally jump in
- Encouraging open-ended questions rather than yes/no shutdowns
Desiree shares an example from an executive client:
He asked his team,
“Are we worried about how this will affect the safety of the machine?”
They said “no.”
He felt shut down.
But really, he’d asked a yes/no question that didn’t invite discussion.
Above-the-line curiosity would sound like:
“I’m worried this might affect the safety of the machine. What do you all think about that? Have we discussed it?”
Owning your concern + asking an open-ended question = curiosity in action.
Commitment #3: Feeling All the Feelings (Without Letting Them Explode)
The third commitment may be the hardest for many leaders:
Feeling all the feelings.
Most of us have been conditioned to believe:
- Emotions at work = weakness
- Crying = unprofessional
- Anger = dangerous
- Vulnerability = risky
So we suppress, deny, or push them down.
The book points out that recycling, repressing, or denying emotions creates:
- Physical problems
- Psychological strain
- Relationship damage
In other words:
You might keep it together on the outside, but there’s a cost.
Naming Your State Without Making Excuses
Desiree shares a real example: she went to a networking event even though she didn’t feel like “peopling.” Standing next to a friend, she said:
“Wow, I’m really crabby right now.”
Her friend looked surprised—almost like, are we allowed to say that out loud?
But naming it did a few important things:
- It gave her permission not to fake being bubbly.
- It allowed her to stay kind and engaged without pretending.
- It opened the door for a more honest, human interaction.
Feeling your feelings doesn’t mean:
- Being rude
- Bringing everyone down
- Using your mood as an excuse
It means:
“This is how I’m feeling right now, and it might affect how I show up.”
Bringing Your Full Self Into the Room (Responsibly)
Tessa ties this directly to leadership presence.
If you come straight from a difficult meeting into a team conversation and pretend you’re fine, you’re actually:
- Not fully present
- Carrying emotion into the next space
- Leading from irritation, frustration, or sadness you haven’t acknowledged
People can feel it—even if you never say a word.
Conscious leadership asks:
- Can I name what I’m feeling?
- Can I ground myself before I walk into this meeting?
- Or do I need to pause and reschedule because I’m too triggered to be productive?
That might sound like:
- “I just left a tough conversation and I’m feeling really irritated. I’m going to take 10 minutes and then we’ll reconvene.”
- Or, “I’m noticing I’m upset right now. I want to make sure I show up well for this conversation—can we push this by half an hour?”
You’re not dumping feelings on your team. You’re taking responsibility for them.
Feeling Your Feelings—and Letting Others Feel Theirs
As facilitators and leaders, Desiree and Tessa are constantly scanning the room:
- Who’s “off”?
- Who’s checked out?
- Who’s here physically but not emotionally?
Sometimes that looks like:
- Gently calling out someone whose energy is low (if you know they’re okay with it)
- Leading a quick reset as a group
- Or checking in privately afterwards if they’re more private by nature
Conscious leadership doesn’t just allow you to feel your feelings.
It also makes space for your team to feel theirs—without shame or judgment.
Conscious Leadership Is a Practice, Not a One-Time Insight
These first three commitments are powerful on their own, but they also build on each other:
- 100% Responsibility
- “What part did I play here?”
- “Where am I in the drama triangle—hero, victim, or villain?”
- Curiosity
- “What am I missing?”
- “What would I see if I weren’t committed to being right?”
- Feeling the Feelings
- “What am I actually feeling right now?”
- “Can I name it without letting it control me or suppressing it?”
Tessa’s invitation as you explore these commitments:
- Locate yourself.
- Where are you with 100% responsibility in your life right now?
- Where are you with curiosity—are you in blame and defense mode, or open and willing to learn?
- Where are you with your feelings—are you letting them move through you, or are you suppressing them and letting them leak out sideways later?
Conscious leadership isn’t about perfection.
It’s about awareness and willingness.
Leadership is a privilege, but it’s also a really big responsibility.
You’re the boss now — what are you going to do with it?
So what are you going to do with it
